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I AM A VIRGIN; SHOULD I MARRY SOMEONE WHO ISN’T?

November 2, 2012

As simple this subject matter seems, there are controversies surrounding the ‘originality’ of the word ‘virginity’. To some, virginity is seen as the absence of opportunity of availing oneself to sexual lust. To others, virginity is strictly the state of the mind. Unequivocally, they mark divergent viewpoints of people on the term ‘virginity’. ‘Different strokes for different folks’, they say.

Interestingly, their views hold waters, are arguably correct, if critically looked into with respect to certain prevailing parameters, sentiment-based and seldom disconnected, considering the usage of the word in its appropriate contexts-marriage and relationship. This brings us to the question: ‘what is virginity?’ True Virginity is the state of the mind of an individual to take a ‘no’ stance to lust-filled offers or perversion and made primarily evident as the ‘intact’ nature of one’s genitals. It refers to the ability of the individual, male or female, to uphold the value(to the letter) of becoming undefiled or sexually untouched during relationship with spouse and present it as sacred gift to him or her in the union known as marriage. For a woman, the only physically sacred possession of a woman is her virginity. Without this, she is likely to be treated like other defiled women and like a disposable medical syringe, she will be exploited by men and ‘replaced’ with other believed-to-be better women. For a man, the true test of fidelity is his ability to pass the tests of lust-filled offers of sexual perversion (even in the presence of opportunity and availability) and evidently assert to his spouse in marriage as his fidelity proof. However, there are individuals who are said to be celibates or better yet, secondary virgins. They had engaged in sexual intercourse in time past but decided not to engage in sex until marriage comes knocking at their doors.

Secondary virginity is based on the decision of the individual to turn a new leaf of expressed sexuality (giving in to sexual lust) and insists on sexual purity in a state of relationship with spouse until marriage. The question; ‘being a virgin, can I marry someone who is not?’ comes to focus. Here, compatibility, though dependent on choice of individual, should be of utmost consideration when it comes to ‘equality of sexuality’. In simple terms, a sexually pure man should marry a sexually pure woman. Also, a secondary virgin man should be compatible with a secondary virgin woman. In addition, an active male sexual should tango with an active sexual female. However, there are imbalances of sexual compatibility; resulting to various odds in marriages and relationships. However, at this point, certain rationalistic assertions have to be made with respect to compatibility-equality of sexuality. First, an individual who has engaged in sexual intercourse with different individuals has open conduits where different thoughts of individuals whom he or she had engaged dominate and pose secondary influence in the relationship or marriage the concerned individual is in. As virgins, engaging in sexual intercourse with non-virgins implies, by proxy, means that the ‘virgin’ individual engages individuals the non-virgin had previously had encounters with thereby allowing their mindset (thoughts) influence his’ or hers’. Even if married, the virgin individual faces an uphill task gratifying the sexual needs of his or her spouse whose sexuality has been influenced by partners sexually are linked to him or her. Realistically, how can a virgin man, if married to a non-virgin woman, sexually grant her needs, knowing well that she has seen them all- engaged men with different sizes, shapes, sexuality, of different ages in sexual intercourse (vice versa)? As a matter of fact, her fidelity is questionable as thoughts of ‘good’ sexual encounters come in, if her husband (the virgin man) cannot perform his sexual duties as she anticipates. In no time, she leaves the bounds the matrimony to seek for the craved satisfaction (denied from her by her husband) in the hands of sexually active partners. Always remember that sexual encounters with different partners depict bonding in bodies and thoughts (soul ties, if you like) that will last a lifetime of the concerned individual, irrespective of his or her union.

Apparently outdated by world’s standards, there are no modern values that have no ancient origins. For instance, the hedonistic Greek lifestyle is the philosophy behind fashionability, acceptability and practice of various forms of freedom. Sexual freedom, as practiced by the contemporary world, has its traces to the ancient Hebrew practice known as Kabalah. Chastity or observing the right expression of sexuality has a root in morality as elucidated in what is termed the wisest book in the world-the Holy Bible. Then, why is the world frowning as this essential requirement to a successful marriage and true relationship? If you believe in the world standard of freedom of choosing the right partner, barring sexuality, based on other qualities such as attention, giving, religiosity, materialism and persona, then think again! Remember, the way your sexuality is expressed determines the longevity of the union you are in with your spouse and will go a long way in influencing other areas of your life and approach to handling issues of the present and in future. As a sexually untouched young man (as a matter of fact, most men do not really deem it fit to investigate the sexual history of their partners), if you do not have the guts to ask you wife or wife to-be whether or not she is a virgin, who had she dated and slept with, especially the man that ‘ripped off’ her virginity, then be sure that someday, when situations connected to your marriage with her negatively heightens, these untreated issues will sprout. Many religious organizations seldom view sexual compatibility on the grounds of forgiveness and reconciliation. For instance, in most Christian circles, many clergy men and women see no big deal in the union between a sexually pure man or woman and a woman or man who was of a defiled sexual disposition. They base their stance on the grounds of forgiveness of sexual sin and more importantly, choice of the sexually pure man or woman on marriage. They see to the fact that individuals (all) have sexual past, afterall, the Bible asserts that any man who looks lustfully at a woman has committed adultery! Arguably, all individuals (including you and i) have committed adultery! Agreed, the rationale or stance is no doubt right. However, how do you feel when you told that Christian husband or wife is sexually gratifying you with passion that has been shared to other previous partners other than you; even to your colleagues or friends in time past? Do you know how long it will take him or her to mentally recover from the impressions caused by various individuals with whom he or she had had sex with? Precisely, repenting from sexual misdeeds is a spiritual thing.

This implies that a whole lot of work is needed to renew his or her originally pervert mind; thoughts reminding him or her past sexual ordeals. Akin to what was previously stated, there are some certain sexual impressions that will last in throughout the life of an individual, especially the first-sex experience and those he or he had red-letter day moments of sexual union together with. In future, as they say, ‘you reap what you sow’, what would you do if the ugly exuberance of sexual wrongs are seen in the lives of your children? Even if you claim to truly love your husband or wife, you are most likely to be tempted to attribute this misdemenour to your partner whose sexual past is conspicuous.

True virginity is a foundation where the components of goal setting, positive character formation, knowledge and other materials essential for a thriving relationship and successful marriage are built on. Good sex is one of the integral parts of a successful marriage. Simply put, sex is a virtue worth waiting for. How can you quantify the hunger of a young lad who has been instructed and adhered not to take anything all through the morning and afternoon hours of school only to come home to meet a sumptuously prepared meal? The same applies when two individuals deliberately decide to avoid having a feel of the varieties of sex; building up the appetite of sexual hunger (creative energy) towards unleashing them collectively when enjoying the meal of marriage. Have ever imagined how memorable your honey moon experience will be if you and your spouse were sexually untouched? Ever wondered how inspiring your stories of sexual conquest will be when you and your spouse tell your children and other young people? Do you know that the most exciting marriage is the marriage between inexperienced couples? It is asserted that the best, happiest and most successful marriage exist when a man who is truly a virgin marries a woman of his kind. Notice the compatibility… In all, as the Bible says, ‘wisdom is profitable to direct’, it is your (virgin manor woman) onus to make a decision of whether or not you want to get married to your spouse who is a virgin or non-virgin. The bottom line is this; although it is not in the best of the writer to assert, based on sexuality, who to marry, it is in the best interest of the individual to view compatibility (equality of sexuality) as one parameter of deciding whom he or she will marry. A word is enough for the wise! Remember these thought lines

1) There is marriage without truelove and there is truelove without marriage

2) People marry for trivial reasons and as a result divorce for trivial reasons.

3) Love is a virtue based on knowing and a decision afterward in the sense of acting it.

4) Virginity, an imprint of chastity, is in a way an expression of love that you can offer as a gift to your spouse by sacrificing promiscuity to vividly depict your fidelity and a memorable value your spouse will live to remember you for.

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One Comment
  1. Thanks very nice blog!

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